WHAT’S UP, WORLD? I’M BACK. I DIDN’T HAVE A COLUMN FOR THE LAST EDITION OF THE HAR-BER HERALD. I KNOW ALL OF MY FANS WERE SAYING “YO, WHERE’S JACOB’S COLUMN? I LOVE THAT DUDE, SON, HE SMELLS GREAT.” AND OTHER PEOPLE WERE SAYING, “YO JACOB? I DON’T LIKE THAT DUDE.” WELL I’M BACK.

There’s a topic I was hoping to address over the past few months. Something that’s been occupying my mind, and I feel like it’s something that we can all relate to.

I know that a lot of quirky girls say it as a joke to show off their super unique sense of humor on social networks, but I doubt that they’ve devoted as much thought process to it as yours truly: why is food so much better than people?

I feel like it’s not even a close competition. Human interaction really has nothing against food.

You know who’s a great listener? Pizza. All pizza can do is listen (they can’t talk, see.) You know who won’t steal your car? A medium-rare steak.

You know who can’t say no when you ask them to prom, even though you already bought the suit and rented the limo, and now mom’s really upset because she thinks her son is a loser?

Ice cream. Ice cream will go to prom to you. And you’ll definitely get lucky at the end of the night.

Just think about it. Why do people go on dinner dates? Do you think guys go on dinner dates to hear some airheaded girl talk about why her and Monica are in a huge fight, because she saw Monica with Todd at the park and they were, like, so totally holding hands? No way.

There’s a meal involved. And who cares if you’re paying for it, THERE’S A MEAL INVOLVED.

Or how about this, ladies? Do you really go to dinner with some sweaty, panicked teenager because they might produce a strong offspring? Of course not.

They said, “Wanna go talk over pizza sometime?” But all you heard was “Want to watch me talk while you eat pizza for free?” Maybe I’m diluted, but that’s how I would look at it.

To all my fellas locked in a relationship saying, “Jacob, you can’t cuddle with a batch of brownies,” you’re wrong.

You couldn’t be more wrong. Anyone who says that you can’t cuddle with a batch of brownies hasn’t tried to cuddle with a batch of brownies.

A batch of brownies could very well be the easiest thing to cuddle with. A batch of brownies doesn’t care that you didn’t shower, or didn’t brush your teeth. What’s better, they won’t talk– perfect for when you want to watch a movie in peace.

So, reader, I hope you consider what I’ve said, what points I’ve conveyed.

If there’s something that I can leave you with it’s this: sure, you need human interaction to stay sane, but if you don’t eat, you’ll die. Choose wisely.