Well, it’s about time I shared my secrets with the world. Fellas keep approaching me in the hallway saying, “Yo, Jacob. You’ve got mad game, man. How can I ask my lady to prom?” Or maybe they say, “Yo, Jacob. Saw you at Walmart with your mom the other day. Could you hook a brother up with some prom advice?” Well, guys. Here’s how you ask someone to prom.

First step: Prep the dinner table for a fine steak dinner. You can’t go wrong with candles and roses. Now, cook the steak, and make sure it’s medium rare. The only time you should be eating a well-done steak is when it’s in between two buns with lettuce and tomato.

Second step: Eat the steak and head out to meet your admirer. For this scenario, you’ll have to be meeting at the movie theatre or some other social setting.

Next: She’ll probably keep nagging about how she’s hungry or how she wants popcorn, or something. “I already ate” should be enough to end the complaints.

Maybe you’ll be out in the cold (because you can’t always predict Arkansas weather) and you notice your date shivering. Don’t worry about her. What’s the point in you giving her your coat? There’s no sense in both of you being cold. Maybe if she had been using her brain, she wouldn’t be cold. Know what I mean, fellas?

Your date will probably be asking you a lot of questions. Perhaps it’s your first date together. This means you’ll be hearing questions like, “What do your parents do?” Or maybe, “Where are you interested in going to college?” Make sure you reply with as short of answers as possible. Yes, no, I don’t know, or maybe should suffice. You don’t want her getting all personal and knowing all your secrets, do you? Of course not. Keep your answers short and secretive.

Now it’s the end of the date. She’s keeping up the conversation, and you’re keeping answers short, as I instructed. You’re next to each other’s cars; you both drove. No point in wasting gas just to pick her up, right?

Anyways, she might expect a hug, MAYBE a kiss, but she’s probably waiting for you to ask her to prom. At this point she’s looking up at you in the moonlight (isn’t she beautiful?) expecting the question.

This is your time to shine. You ask (the biggest contribution you’ve made to the conversation all night) “Hey *enter name* I was wondering…” She’ll probably say, “Yes?” Now you say, “I was wondering if you have any gas money. I’m kind of low, and I want to make sure I get home.”

You take the money she hands to you and drive away. In conclusion, don’t ask anyone to prom. You’ve got stuff to do. You can’t waste your Saturday night dancing with everyone else.