Being a Twinkie is terrible. If you have the opportunity to become a Twinkie, don’t do it.

From the time you’re born, all people want from you is your body. Disgusting, right? I’m not just a piece of golden sponge cake with cream filling. I’m a real person, and I have feelings.

It’s hard to enjoy your life when peoples’ only objective is to eat you. Literally. Eat you until you don’t exist anymore.

People don’t even take the time to get to know me anymore. Like, what has the world become? Do you know the last time someone held a door open for me on a date? I’m pretty sure it was the 7th grade dance with Jeremy Sandler. He had braces, and he wan’t even related to Adam Sandler, the actor. A big waste of time if you ask me.

Like, seriously, “Think Like a Man” is my favorite movie and book. It’s basically my entire life in a nutshell. I used to just stay at home in my sweatpants and eat chocolate ice cream. I planned on doing that until I died. But now that I saw that move I, like, became a lot stronger of a woman, you know?

Being in a grocery store is also pretty horrible. I live in a place where I hear my loved ones being bought, and I have to acknowledge that when they get taken to that person’s home, they are going to be viciously devoured by a round child.

Times were tough, but things have really turned around! The Twinkie factories are closing! Finally, no Baby Twinkies will have to grow up without a mom or dad. Finally, no Twinkie will have to be placed in a microwave and blown up. Finally, freedom.

Although I’m still on the shelves, I can sleep in peace knowing that there are no more Twinkies being brought into this terrible life. I just have to thank the workers of the Twinkie corporation for demanding higher pay, so that the factories had to close.  You will be remembered.