It’s crazy how intimidating inanimate objects can seem. Maybe that’s just me, always feeling pressured to do well in school, to say no to peer pressure, to save your money, to never be late to work, pick the right people to be friends with, etc., etc., etc.
I feel the little bar on the Word document staring me down. You know the bar I’m talking about, little, black, and vertical. It pounds away the seconds while you stare at it, colorlessly, expecting some sort of epiphany to occur, beckoning you to tap into the keys resulting in something beautiful.
I sit in my room with my usual cup of Joe sitting at my side, the caffeine pulsing through my veins (this must be at least the 3rd cup today). Coffee always picks me up. It screams the secrets of pride and courage to my taste buds like an irritated motivational speaker preaching to a crowd who insists on silencing him.
It comforts my aching soul and sends my fingers twitching above the keys, but never typing anything. Some eclectic and vague indie band from the 90’s hums from my iPod, the kind who sings things so deep they make you feel shallow. My teddy bear, Crakkity Jones, presses into my stomach as I stare back at the blinking bar on the screen of my laptop.
The expectant glare reminds me of the scared fourth grader I used to be on the night of the talent show. The crowd erupted in whispers and giggles, when in the middle of my song the mic went out. They stared at me expecting me to react. And I didn’t.
Only this time I will. I won’t allow my face to turn red as I stand on stage, embarrassed and confused. I will sing. I will bear into the keys with all my awkward passion. Life expects nothing less. If you don’t sing when the song stops, if you don’t write what no one will, if you don’t jump into the wind on whim, then you never move forward. You never prove or find yourself.
A stoner once told me, “Life sucks, and then you die.” It got me thinking. Life sucking is purely perspective. I want to finish life with a different adjective. So I’ll throw myself out there. I’ll tell you my stories and my awkward truths in hopes to better myself, as selfish as that is. First and foremost, I must be honest with myself. So here I am.
Hi, my name is Ellie, and I am addicted to coffee.