Being called a senior, the word feels foreign. My entire life I have viewed seniors as people who appears so old, so wise, and yet now that I have earned the title, I feel lost holding it. Seeing the kids I have grown up with in caps and gowns, they appear to be children trying on their parents clothes instead of someone who has grown into the role.

My Mom’s eyes feel different as they follow me around the house, almost as if they’re trying to paint mental pictures of my every action. My Dad takes longer to shoot every picture, as if he sees it to be the last one he’ll take. Although they may be in denial of my looming graduation, it feels like they’re preparing for having an empty house for the first time in twenty years.

When my brother graduated in 2016, I remember with every milestone, and with it the pain in my parents eyes. He was so stuck on looking towards his future that he forgot to look back and as a result, he missed a lot and we missed him.

With graduation finally in sight, I feel hesitant, but why? I spent 13 years of public education as well as two additional years of pre-school preparing for this but now that it’s finally here, I feel stuck. All I want is to go on with my life, go to college, move to a new town, and follow my dreams, however, reality is hitting hard. When I leave, there isn’t going to be anymore family binge watching of The Office while eating a ham and cheese calzone. I will have no more talks about how the Marvel superhero movies align with the original comics with my dad in the car ride to church every sunday morning. There will be no more annoying my mom with stupid amounts of affection. The home as I’ve always known it will be gone.

And yet I feel a joy that overcomes the fear. Marching with the band, all of the hours of practice before and after school, seem sweet and fly by faster than the wind. Being leader in choir with all region auditions rapidly approaching, making the years of practice pay off. My relationships with teachers never sour but instead bloom with thankfulness at their investment in my life that I have for so long taken for granted.

As I look back on all that has led me to this place, I am filled with gratitude for those who have gotten me to this place. I am thankful for the friends, teachers, counselors, and opportunities that have gotten me to the place where I am and for those who will launch me into the world of the unknown.